JUST FOR PARENTS

Having your child begin his or her college career can be a stressful experience for parents, especially if your son or daughter hasn’t lived away from home before. During this important time of transition for the family, many parents put their own feelings and reactions on hold while helping their child prepare for college life. Attending to your own emotional needs, however, as well as your child’s, will go a long way toward helping everyone feel comfortable with the challenges that going to college represents.

Please read on for information related to 1) Coping Strategies for Parents; 2) Changes You Might Expect to See in your Child; and 3) What Can I Do to Help My Child From a Distance?

Coping Strategies & “Food for Thought”

1. Recognize that feelings of ambivalence about your child’s leaving home are normal.
For most families, this step can seem like a dramatic separation of parent and child, although it is usually the separation of adult from almost-adult. It is normal, too, to look forward to the relative peace and quiet of having your active older adolescent out of the house and having the place to yourself, or being able to spend time with your younger children!
2. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up.
There is little benefit in pretending that you don’t feel sad, guilty, relieved, apprehensive, or whatever feelings you do have, while your child is getting ready to come to the College. You probably aren’t fooling anyone by trying to hide your reactions; a healthier approach is to talk about them — with your family, friends, clergy, or whoever is a source of support for you.
3. Make “overall wellness” a goal for yourself.
Especially during stressful times, it helps to get enough sleep, eat healthful meals regularly, and get adequate exercise. Spending some recharging time — doing the special things that you especially like is another step toward wellness. If you are feeling good, you are more likely to have the energy to help your child and be a good role model.
4. Remember that, for your child, coming to college is a tremendously important developmental step toward full adulthood.
It represents the culmination of the teachings and learnings of 18 years or so — much of it geared toward helping your child assume a productive place in the world. This is the time when your hard work will show itself in the form of a framework that your freshman will use in beginning to make independent choices. Many parents find that it helps to focus on the fact that providing your child with this opportunity is a priceless gift. Be proud of yourself!
5. Find a new creative outlet for yourself.
Especially parents whose last or only child has moved away to college find that taking on a new challenge is an excellent way to manage and channel their energy and feelings. Have you ever wanted to write a book? Learn to fly-fish? Make a quilt? Volunteer in your community? Assume a new project or responsibility at work? Travel? Get your own bicycle and ride all over town? Make a list of all the things you intended to do while your child was growing up, but never had the time to do. Now is your chance!

Changes You Might Expect

Most parents report the experience of sending a son or daughter to college as one filled with anticipation, anxiety, confusion and hope. By opening day of the freshman year, many changes have already begun to happen. The student becomes more independent, gains competence in new areas, and learns to develop healthy peer relationships. The college years are a time for a student to continue maturing and learning how to manage oneself and life in general. What does that mean for you as a parent? Here are some of the messages you may hear:

“Help!”/”Don’t help!” It is sometimes frustrating for parents to go through the growth process with their students, not knowing how to be helpful and receiving messages which are unclear or incomplete. Students may add to the uncertainty by changing rapidly by rejecting your help on Tuesday and actively seeking it on Wednesday. We’ve often heard about parents in great distress because their student predicted a poor outcome on an exam, but forgot to provide an update when the results were better than expected.

As a parent, it can be difficult to know when to help, when to step back, and/or how worried to get. Usually a parent’s best guideline is to provide a steady, supportive home base while recognizing that there will be ups and downs in students’ needs and expectations. Try to follow the leads of the students and encourage them to work through a problem with you acting as the coach or cheerleader. Help them balance their thoughts and emotions to make their best decisions. Let them know that you respect their right to make a decision and that you will serve as an advisor when asked. Remind yourself to notice and appreciate their new skills they develop; students often want their families to recognize their progress toward becoming adults. And, remember to take care of yourself in this “Help!”/”Don’t help!” process that may cause you a lot of confusion and exhaustion.

“So whose decision is it anyway?” Most parents have a high investment in their student’s decisions. Problems arise, however, when parents are more invested than students. It can be hard to lessen involvement in a student’s decisions out of fear that the student won’t assume responsibility. The irony is that students often don’t step up to the task of being responsible until parents step back. After all, it’s easier to ignore problems when someone else is worrying about them!

Taking a step back as a parent is uncomfortable, and at times frightening, because there is no guarantee that students will assume responsibility nor that they will make the same decision as you would. The fear that the student is not accepting responsibility in the interim makes most parents lose a lot of sleep. There is, however, no need to walk away disinterested and/or frustrated. Consider providing a concerned voice (“We’re interested in what you decide, but we know you have to sort this out for yourself.”) and remind yourself that you are helping by working with your student on developing his/her own decision-making skills.

“College is different than I thought it would be.” For many students, coming to Loyola means finding out what college and life are about. It means learning that being an English major is more than just writing poetry and that psychology isn’t necessarily the major for all people who like helping others. It also means learning how to study and how often to study. Academic expectations are more rigorous than in high school. Students accustomed to receiving “A’s” and “B’s” have to work much harder to earn the top grades in college. They also have to figure out when they should be studying and how to motivate themselves to do so. Ultimately, they learn when to ask for help and when to resolve issues on their own.

Coming face-to-face with new challenges is common in college. Finding support in dealing with these challenges is equally important. The College has many resources (e.g. counseling, academic advisement, health education, and much more) to address students’ needs. In their quest for independence, students sometimes assume that being an adult means it isn’t necessary to ask questions. Parents can remind students that asking questions and using available resources reflect maturity and that doing these things does not detract from their autonomy or growth as an adult. At the same time, parents and other family members can serve key roles in providing the support needed. Students tell us that it is important to know that their parents will offer consistent support as they venture out to meet the world. The influential role which parents have in the lives of students continues through college and beyond.

“I’m back!” The first visit home from college is usually an interesting one for the entire family. Students may return home thinking that their newly found independence will be recognized and appreciated by the family. In contrast, parents and siblings continue to live in their usual style and generally expect that the established “house rules” will still apply.

Parents can anticipate that their expectations will differ from those held by students during those first visits home. Instead of creating a situation in which a battle ensues, seeking a compromise that honors both the family’s needs and the growing independence of the student might be an appropriate goal. If your son or daughter is commuting to school from home, consider the ways in which his or her new level of responsibility and independence will be acknowledged in the home.

Describing the many experiences which students and their families will have during college is not possible because every family is different. The professional counselors at the Counseling Center would be happy to talk with you about your specific situation. Please contact us at (410) 617-5109 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting (410) 617-5109 end_of_the_skype_highlighting.

What Can I Do to Help My Child from a Distance?

Of course, you are still a parent to your almost-adult, and he or she does still need your support and guidance during the college years. Here are some ways you can express your caring and enhance your child’s experience at Loyola.

1. Stay in touch!
Even though your child is experimenting with independent choices, he or she still needs to know that you’re there and are available to talk over both normal events and difficult issues. Make arrangements to write or call your child on a regular basis.
2. Allow space for your child to set the agenda for some of your conversations.
If he or she needs help or support, the subject is more likely to come up if you aren’t inquiring pointedly about what time he or she came in last night!
3. Be realistic with your college student about financial matters.
Most students come to school with a fairly detailed plan about how tuition, fees, books, and room and board will be paid for, and what the family’s expectations are about spending money. Being specific at the outset may help avoid misunderstandings later. Students can tend to spend a fair amount for their social interactions. It may behoove your family to be aware of how much your child is spending, to set reasonable limits, and to monitor any credit card usage so that large debts are not incurred.
4. Be realistic as well about academic achievement and grades.
The College attracts bright students from all over the world, and not every freshman who excelled academically in high school will be an all-A student here. Developing or refining the capacity to work independently and consistently and to demonstrate mastery can be more important than grades, as long as the student meets the basic academic requirements set out by the College. Again, these are choices that each individual student makes, though certainly it is appropriate to help your child set his or her own long-term goals.
5. If your child does experience difficulties at Loyola, encourage him or her to take advantage of the wealth of resources available for students.
For academic issues, talking with the professor or academic advisor is probably the first step, but the Study Center, the Write Place, and the Career Development Center are also available to help. The Office of the Dean of Students and the Dean of Freshmen can assist with a variety of concerns. If your son or daughter could benefit from counseling, the Counseling Center is available on campus. You can help your child by reminding him or her of the many resources available on Loyola’s campus.

If you think your son or daughter will need counseling
It is not unusual for a student to come to the College having already received counseling at home. Others may not have previous counseling experience but might have a difficult time in making the transition to college. In either of these circumstances, students and parents are advised to use the consultative services of the Center to get information about the best options available to them. We will make our best effort to assess your child’s current needs and then link him or her with the most appropriate treatment option. Such options might include participation in a group, short-term individual counseling in the Counseling Center, and a referral to a highly qualified therapist in the community. Parents are also reminded that continued support and involvement by them is often crucial to the well-being of the student.

Previous therapy
If your daughter or son has already developed a relationship with a therapist at home, it can be difficult to consider making a change to a new therapist at school. Sometimes students will want to continue an established relationship with a therapist by arranging phone contacts from school. In some cases, this is the therapist’s recommendation and the arrangement can work well enough. However, we have found that students usually do better when they are connected with a new therapist in Baltimore. While many students (and parents) are understandably tempted to look ahead optimistically and want to honor the student’s growing independence, the transition to college is a time when direct therapeutic support is especially valuable. With few exceptions, face-to-face counseling is more effective than telephone counseling, and is experienced as more supportive. We have repeatedly heard from students that, even when the move to a new therapist was made reluctantly, the new connection proved to be very helpful. We therefore recommend that families discuss with the student’s therapist at home how this transition will best be handled. We encourage both therapists and families to consult with the Counseling Center about the best options available here, in Baltimore.

What about confidentiality?
Counseling often involves the disclosure of sensitive personal information. Any information a client shares with Center staff members is protected by professional ethics and state law. As such, information about the counseling a student receives is not released, except upon a student’s written permission, in circumstances which would result in clear danger to the student or others, or as may be required by law.

It is understandable that you may wish to be involved when your son or daughter seeks counseling, but the confidentiality issues described above do not permit such involvement without the consent of the student. Often, the best source of information for parents about the counseling process is the student. Beyond that, if more information is desired, the student must sign a written release specifically permitting us to communicate with you. While it is not legal or ethical for the Center to provide parents with information that a son or daughter reveals in counseling, parents are welcome to call the Center and provide us with feedback or share your concerns about your child.

Why might counseling be suggested to a student?
People seek counseling for many reasons, ranging from a wish to solve a long-standing problem to a desire to enhance their personal growth. To address the personal, educational and career concerns of the students, the Center offers both group and individual counseling. Students come in to discuss issues such as: roommate conflicts, anxiety and stress management, depression, eating disorders, career choices, and family concerns such as divorce and alcoholism. Students may also receive psychiatric services if medication is considered essential to the treatment of their concerns.

Here are some of the common instances when counseling might be recommended to a student:

* Fundamental or traumatic changes in personal relationships, such as death of a family member or friend, divorce or separation in the family, etc.
* Significant changes in mood or behavior, such as withdrawal from others, asocial activity (e.g., lying, stealing) spells of unexplained crying or outbursts of anger, or unusual agitation.
* References to suicide — since it is difficult to distinguish between serious threats or passing idle thoughts of suicide, judgment about the seriousness of a situation is best made in consultation with a psychologist or psychiatrist.
* Anxiety and depression — these are two of the more common symptoms which can significantly impair a student’s functioning.
* Psychosomatic symptoms — concerns such as tension headaches, loss of appetite or excessive eating, insomnia or excessive sleeping or chronic stomach distress, etc.
* Alcohol and drug abuse — evidence of excessive drinking, drug abuse or drug dependence is very often indicative of psychological problems.
* Career choice concerns — often these concerns reflect the student’s struggle to understand him/herself and the world of work. Sometimes it reflects a problem with decision-making in general.
* Concern about academics — such as contemplating dropping out of school, worrying about possible academic failure, or considering a transfer to another school.

Some concerns may require counseling over the course of a semester or two or even longer, which would require a referral to a therapist in the community. The student insurance policy offered through the Health Center on campus (410-617-5055 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 410-617-5055 end_of_the_skype_highlighting) can facilitate care while away from home (the family’s insurance policy is worth looking into as an option, but insurance policies often vary with regard to mental health coverage and sometimes are not very portable).

We hope these ideas and suggestions will be helpful to you in dealing with some of the difficulties parents experience when their child goes to college. The freshman year at Loyola is a tremendously exciting time, both for students and their families, and we hope and trust that you and your child will have a rewarding year!

Sections of this page are adapted from similar pages posted by the University of Texas and the University of Delaware.